This hate urges on like a freight train

Riding shotgun to my thoughts is the pain

Brought on by your dishonest action

Realize now that for every action is a reaction

A reaction of biblical proportions stirs inside

Emotions breaking through, no longer will they hide

You will remain made an example from this affliction

Who you said you were and what you've done, a contradiction

No longer will I stand by so indolently

I can only wish your life become a true melancholy 

Misfortune casted on me by you, won't go without reprisal

Your memory will no longer live on as an idol

What Would It Be Like?

       Ever felt so curious about what it would be like to die? Ever experienced a moment with the most perplexed curiosity about life and death. I know I have, not during the moments I was sad or angry, instead when life was good, and I was happy. I never once considered doing anything, just thought about what it would feel like, where I would go.
       I was born with an incredibly open mind regarding life, and the afterlife, in general.  I only think about it when my life is where I want it to be, because if I do go, that's how I wanna go. I'm a happy person with "dull" periods in my life. Periods where it's not as easy getting out of bed. I'm regarded as a very happy-go-lucky person, I can't think about it when others have a different outlook on me.
      How could I imagine leaving when, I'm not really at a good point in life? You never know what could happen, or when the decision has been made about your departure. Be prepared, make sure at any moment your at peace with your mistakes and the world around you.
      I love to think the afterlife when I'm happy because it's so fascinating, I'm always living a few steps ahead of myself. It's never to soon to think about it. My curiosity can't resist, am I reincarnated? Do I just die? Will I go to heaven?
      Not sure why, but death has always seemed to spark some sort of philosophical curiosity inside me. I've always found it entertaining to think about, have you?

When I die

       How do you wanna be remembered when you die?

       Everyone feels the need to bolt around in an attempt to satisfy people who don't really matter to them. Wether it's a boss, colleague, neighbor or even a "friend", if your have to work THAT hard they don't matter. Don't deny the fact that you do it, EVERYONE does, myself included.

      You can never cut that desire out of your life completely, society has shoved it down our throats, and everyone just seems to "accept" it so lazily. I'm not here to tell you its horrible that you could ever accept things you don't agree with, I'm here to say sometimes it's okay to resist, or question them.

       I hear people who say they don't care what people think, but they do, or else they wouldn't have any secrets courageously protected.  Now that I've stated that, I want to move on the question I asked at the beginning of this post. When you leave the world are you gonna be another duplicate caught up in societies threshold?

      If you answered no, then make a change, don't just change the things you do or why you do them. You have to change your whole outlook on life and it's meaning to YOU. Who cares what it means to anyone else but you, because it's your life and you should feel free to live it how you want. Because the people that can do that, those people, those are the people that are remembered. 

      I say that casually but there is much more meaning behind it. When I say life's meaning to you, that doesn't mean disregard others outlook. It means you hold yours at the absolute highest regard, and learn from how they live. Think about how they live, question it and how making similar decisions in your life may alter your it.

      If you don't like what your hearing right now, feel free to scroll to the top left of the screen and press the exit button. I'm not here to please you, or anyone else for that matter. Don't like what I hear? Good, maybe I'm pushing that little button, society overlooks, that is a satisfying feeling I must say. Maybe, it means I'm moving you and telling you something you just don't wanna accept. I'm only here to attempt inspire my audience, even if it's only person. 

       Don't wait to make the change, because before you realize it's to late. You have too much to lose, if you step to far out on that limb and it breaks you have nothing. So instead of making the change when you have something, make it when you have nothing. If you already have something, then make it before you have more to lose.

       For example, look at where I stand in life, seventeen halfway through my senior year of high school. Now, I could go to college, get a business degree, and work in an office making money. Life is just around the corner for me, so much lies in store. Problem is I live in little Small Town, USA, now how could I know what I truly want to do, when I have seen so little of the world? 

       How can I make a decision that will alter the rest of my life, when I don't even know what's out there for me? I cannot not do that, because I know if I do, I will never be at peace as I wonder, What could have been? So I'm going to go and take a chance with my life, I'm not going to pursue anything but happiness, unlike so much of this world.

      I'm going to do my best to stand out and inspire, yes I will do things that make me unhappy, it's part of life, it's healthy. Why is it healthy? I get to learn, learn what I don't like, for the future. I could go to college immediately following school, but I won't. Instead I'm gonna go out on the limb, and learn about the world around me.

      I have so much in mind, but I have nowhere near enough experience to decide if those are right for me. How could I? I'm seventeen, I don't know where I want to be in 10 years, or what will satisfy me. Everyone is in search for instant gratification, so they find it through, money, prestige, and education. Not that bliss impossible to find earlier on, I just feel so many people overlook it.

       Real gratification lies in passion, and happiness, are you passionate about what you do? Do you really enjoy your job or career? That's something I need in my life, and I think everyone deserves. So I will wait to make the choice that sets me up for the rest of my life.

       All I'm asking is do something that truly makes you happy, NOTHING is impossible. Aspire to make an art out of what you love, well if you suck, maybe it's not the right choice. You ned talent and  to enjoy it, find that happy median and you're good. 

       Not every person will find absolute gratification from there job,  but so many people can come so much closer. It absolutely kills me inside to see someone so discontent with their career. It's been forged in our brain that money holds higher value than happiness, I feel discomforted just thinking about it.

      I'm not saying I'll be the guy who jumps with indefinite joy getting up for work, but I can't have a career that makes me unhappy. I must work at something I enjoy, and am passionate about. That's how you make a difference, just allow your passion to be the absolute drive behind you.
       You could be the most richest man in the world, but if there is no passion behind your motives you won't be remembered. At least not how you wish to be remembered. You never know what could happen, just make sure your ready to leave this world at any moment. Be at peace with mistakes, and use them to help yourself and others.
      That's how you get remembered, I'll never be famous, but if just one person remembers some inspiring words I may have shared with them. Well, I couldn't imagine any better way to be remembered. That's how I want to be remember, it puts my body at peace to think about it.
       Do you do enough to bring you to peace? It could be whatever you please, because if you work hard enough at it and aspire to become something, you get far. Nothing is impossible, just find the passion inside of you.

       

   

Meaning Behind My Words

I’m beginning to apply myself as I venture out into this world alone

I plead my soul persist on this pursuit of a serene reaction

When clouded by emotions my mind struggles to condone

Only after my introspection has settled may I choose to take action

Searching endlessly for the avenue of this world, that remains unknown

May my weaknesses guide me, and provide my sanity unfathomable traction

In life troubles will always exist, their abundance, often unable comprehend

My essence fortunate, for this alone resides my isolated strife

To these troubles will my thoughts depart and perpetually extend

This concept will preserver, hard to grasp, my mind molded increasingly fife

For it strengthens my internal compass until my wit falls to its end

Bittersweet to ponder at times, imagine being sculpted by a dull knife

I choose to take record of the moment; I don’t feel it essential to retain

They say don’t make the same mistake twice, duly noted is every feeling

These words here for reference, I need not to relive the pain

With every article may I continue, I’m evolving into a blissful being

In every submission I know I will be able to find a gain

For when I am lost they lay my problems out entirely for viewing

Keeping Myself At Bay

By a heavy heart and tireless mind, may I always abide

Emotions can trigger an explosive reaction within

A raging fire consuming all that lies available

Fed by a substantial anger remaining so profound

I'm at a constant battle to stay placid and move in stride

Happiness and hope show me to raise my chin

They overcome me and I'm granted a feeling that is stable

Boldly peace yells out making the most joyous sound

I have a gifted ability to recall upon the good
When time begins to slow I am able to observe
My surrounding drawn in and accurately noted
The truth I never wish to distort
Constantly I try to reenact things like I should
I search to find what lays hidden in reserve
With my thoughts I become so bloated
With my poems my scary thoughts depart and I find comfort

What Makes You Tick?

      I'll never forget the time I was once harmlessly asked "what makes you tick?".  I wasn't very old maybe 15, but the world just stopped still for a second. I as a person am in constant search for understanding, while most people simply ask "what?", I must ask "why".  I'm sure this put my parents through a lot of Hell, and I'm sure it still does.  When they asked me that and I couldn't answer I had to know why, why was I left speechless?

      So let's move on to how the question came about. My mom told me I wouldn't get my license unless I was getting all A's in my classes. Upon talking about it with my sister she told me "Mom, sure is taking the no license seriously if your grades aren't up."

      With the shrug of my shoulders replied "oh well".

      My sister looked at me almost baffled, and that was when she asked what made me tick. I can't believe how raveled I still am about a question as insignificant as that asked two years ago. So looking at that particular situation I didn't want to get good grades bad enough. If I didn't get my license it wouldn't have been much fun, but I could have lived without it if my parents wished to withhold it. So I guess you could say I make me tick, good grades meant putting in some effort in school. I had no desire to do that, and my license was nowhere near a heavy enough bribe.

      Still that question haunts me, it struck me so deep I think about it so often. Now I'm about to graduate and haven't applied to any colleges, and I have three job offers thanks to Building Trades. Still I have no clue, So I go back think profusely about that question. Maybe it will help me know find what I want to do. I know I just want to be happy, problem is a lot of things make me happy. Sadly I can only maintain that happiness for so long before I begin to get bored.

     I think endlessly about pursuing a career or education that could maintain my happiness. I WANT to do so many things, I can't pick just one. I just want to do all kinds of things whenever I want and make money, but how would that work out?

     I'm straying off subject here though, we know I make me tick, what what makes me tick?  I can't figure this out yet, and I really feel it itching away at my mind. If I don't want to do something, good luck getting me to. That's the kind of person I am, It doesn't mean I wont help someone in a heartbeat. I just can't let anyone tell me what I need to do. I defy and despise being controlled, thoroughly to my core. 

      This is really hard to explain, and probably boring most of you at this point. So let's put it like this, I know some of what makes me tick, but I've been searching for everything that makes me tick, and I'm lost. I know if I have a desire and remote ability to do something I WILL do it. If I have no desire, I'm not going to do it, I HAVE to have the desire.

      I know I want to be happy, and doing I like doing things that makes me happy, if it makes me remotely happy, then I will go do it no questions asked. Writing is a great example of that, I don't mind doing it when I'm asked because I do enjoy it. Happiness makes me tick.

       I can only do it if I have some sort of passion behind it, it doesn't take much but I need that. I hate my job, but I am passionate about who I work with, as in I like them, and I want to be good at it. So that's my drive but it doesn't make me happy.

       I'm still in search of what drives me, what pushes me. There's so much more than what I'm saying here. So much that I haven't found, but I know I can. Just until the day I do, I will never be at complete peace internally. Pretty killer thought to ponder all the time, yet I'm so glad. Because so many people don't realize what makes them tick, and never will. I just hope I'm not one of those people.

      

Behind The Scenes

      I realized that my poems would have more meaning and understanding if you knew me. Problem is most of you may never truly know me. I'd love to give you some insight about me though. For this post I will do my personal best to explain most complex part of me, my brain.

      To help you understand how my brain works, allow me to paint you this vivid picture. Imagine an immeasurable library, with a profound dedicated librarian. This librarian has his issues though, it may be better known as a Multiple Personality Disorder. A branch of him is a completely organized, ingenious, and creative man ALWAYS working to keep it going finding meaning in everything. Problem is he never rest, he lacks the ability to shut himself down. While another bit of him experiences genuine excitement as he tears through the books absorbing a plethora of knowledge. He refuses to put his books back though. His third part is this paranoid, anxious, passionate, and angry or depressed person, who without realization tears down books by the shelves. Last he has this very sweet, caring, philosophical, and meaningful personality. His mission is to keep other personalities from there extremes. He yearns for a deep sense of wisdom as he heavily reflects on every mistake. Yet he lacks confidence and often feels weaker then the rest, yet deep down it's his most dominant personality. There are more I would love to mention, but I will refrain, for they lack significance.

      Events, moments, emotions, or sensory memories are all somewhere in my mind. For now we're just going to call them books. Then I have places to put them, shelves, for when I wish to recollect them. The librarian I speak of is in fact my own mind. Yes, my mind has a Multiple Personality Disorder. Every personality plays a very important role in keeping my sanity. The "Organizer" is the part of my mind that helps me find my wisdom, and to solve my problems. Yet I always seem to have to many, and it can't rest until they're solved. The "Absorber" Is the part of my mind that gives me excitement, it seeks the thrill and instant knowledge. Somewhat careless he rarely has a dangerous impact on my mind, unless fed by my anger. When his impact is good, it's explosive and a serves a very valuable asset. The "Passionate One" is important to me, because it's where I draw my energy when I have something I'm passionate about it may also lead to anger, destruction and danger. The "Philosopher" almost always knows the right choice to make. Early on in life it found recognized an ability to observe and pause for very deep reflection. Through doing this I have been granted a rather admirable level of wisdom for my age. Problem is when it doesn't know EXACTLY what to do, it looks back to the organizer for help. While looking to the organizer it often becomes quickly over-powered. This is where the real problems within me begin to unfold.

      Let me start with things at best and show what my mind is capable of at the right moment. When an issue arises, I approach it in a calm, collected, wise manner. As it appears to me, I will organize, it decipher its significance, and it's impact on anything I can think of. If any amount of significance is noted I draw from my passion and find my drive to pursue a solution. My excitement allows me to quickly process all of this as I absorb it all for storing. Only then do observe all of these and what meaning they have on a philosophical and moral level. This grants me the ability I decide how to administer a reaction, through my wisdom.

      Now when my mind is given a problem I don't know well enough how to handle I have a less ideal reaction to situation. If I haven't made enough mistakes in a certain area this means my philosophical mind hasn't had enough to reflect and observe. This is why I say "well enough" it is important for me to make my own mistakes in life. When I do this, I know how to handle them in a much more ideal manner. This means when I reach the point of deciding a wise reaction, I tend to crumble. I go back and search through my organized memories, the shelved events that are similar to the one I'm in. When I don't have them for my wisdom to draw in, my passionate side takes over. Resulting in anger, or sadness usually, they become so over-powering they draw on my excitement. Combined with my excitement they become an unmatchable force, a force capable of leveling everything in its path.

      With the help of my minds philosophical personality I work endlessly to change that very hard through much deeper reflection initially upon a mistake. Instead of lashing out in anger or frustration I am focusing on remaining a calm more peaceful being. So I take all that energy that I would use to inflict harm, and project it into a deep meaningful piece of art. This gives me outstanding pleasure and peace. Not only am I learning to control my anger, but I cam creating something so powerful and passionate in the process. This is why I my poems my seem so depressing to those who don't know me. Know that they are making me a better person, and allowing me to release a cloud of doom that could consume me.

Making Changes

Basically my blog is getting a make-over and a few things are going to change about it. I will be writing a little differently, most of readers may not even notice. Not ALL of my submissions will be poems anymore. I LOVE getting readers on my blog, and my poems may not be for certain types. Poems or a regular post are completely different to digest, and I want anyone to feel welcome on here. I'm really trying to make some improvements on my writing. With that being said. feel free to offer your advice, or criticism. Even if it's simply a grammar error, I would be more than happy to be made aware. Thanks for reading my blog, and I hope you enjoy the adjustments! Give me feedback on your opinion of my work, Good OR bad :).

Insight On My Mind

I sit here and comprehend life all from within 

Speculate on how my life is shaped by every sin

 Managing to stay together as I hold so much in 

To no one will these thoughts ever be kin

 In the eyes of others I appear external 

They could not even ponder what is internal 

Only I know about this mind of mine that is an infernal 

Silently I remain here, this unpopped kernel 

 At times on the verge of explosion Somehow

 I always resist that bit of erosion 

Yet I'm constantly altered by corrosion

 Held together by the strangest fusion 

The thoughts indicated are not my bane 

I am thankful because they guide me through pain 

So I will abide and allow them to cut my chain 

As they push me to find every last bit of gain 

In times of frustration I only wish to be kind 

While I curse this elegantly hidden corner of my mind

 Because with anger I can be boldly headlined 

Then I realize there is so much more to be aligned

 My mind is not the problem, I need not let my anger lead 

With all this understanding still remains an unplanted seed

 At times my anger controls me as I attempt to bleed

 I realize that with my mind I must plead 

So I request it help me find a better way 

Lost, I petition for a solution day after day 

With this burden I embark only to feel I've been led astray 

Then the black and white begin to fade, and I spot the gray 

Beginning I am lost, But with every article I am found 

These words give the music of my mind it's sound 

They show me it's meaning and lift me from the ground 

No longer by anger do I deem myself bound 

Because of these words duly noted, I am liberated 

So much misunderstanding becomes completely abated 

These emotions are now adequately plated 

Weight is lifted because of what I have stated

 Your apprehension of these words means nothing 

 Because to me these words means everything 

As my mind grows peaceful, with the joy I could sing 

 So continue as you wear yourself out trouncing 

I am in a devout pursuit of everlasting bliss 

Everything lies within for us to miss 

Still we send it away with a powerful hiss 

As we go on living our lives with so much remiss 

Covertly I will organize myself on an old notepad 

Because life is not just about the path of good or bad 

The more I understand this I am so glad 

All I want is a path that wont leave me sad 

There will be no wrong one, so don't pretend to know 

With that I have no reason to let it show Someday 

I will reach the point where I can glow 

Where these thoughts of contentment I won't have to sow

To Much To Reflect

I feel as if I'm a fallen star

Left in it's place is a nasty scar

That anyone can sight from afar

 The scar serves as a scary reminder

I see it and want to be kinder

Yet with every passing moment I feel blinder

Lack of justification may stupidity take it's place

I'm dead last at a stand-still in this race

Missing a part of my moral base

I alone should stress over my mistake

For everything I touch seems to break

So allow me find what's mine to take

I wish to take my own stand

All I ask for is the touch of your hand

We're just duplicates made so bland

These errors of mine give me my flavor

Maybe I do need to address my behavior

But let me address it, you're doing me a favor

I wish to learn at my own regulation

Don't make me abide by your hesitation

It will only feed my aggravation

This anger will slowly starve and die

At times it takes all I have to keep it shy

Just let me turn away with a burdened sigh

The trail I'll choose won't truly be a trail

I know I can carve my own as long as my thoughts don't go stale

With a silent but powerful thought I will take sail

It won't be easy to strive through every blow

When I have reached its end only I will know

If carved right to the world I may let it show

A Moment To Remember

Without the instant realization 

I become calm and absorb the situation 

My mind slowly feels no pain 

I have no problem finding gain 

Feeling temporarily serene 

There is so much more to be seen 

Lost in the strangest world 

No longer am I so twirled I send out a thankful thought 

To a feeling that's forever sought 

Always just escaping my grip 

I can only find it when things flip 

Your problems come to me 

While mine are there for you to see 

Then I suddenly take a look 

It's duly noted in a empty book 

Forever there it will remind 

There is much in store for find

I Envy Perfection

In these words may I confide 

My troubles I wish to hide 

Because by my morals I abide 

My emotions rarely spoken 

When they are I'm left broken 

This evil within in me is woken 

Simple words become art 

I begin to analyze every part

 Beginning  to feel so far apart

Everyone seems to know me 

But that much even I can't see

 I become a lonely melancholy 

Feeling lost I start to get mad 

Every song feels so sad 

I feel like everything goes bad

 But I know my life is good 

It all doesn't go like it should 

Problem is I feel it could

 I want to draw that line 

The line between bad and fine 

I need to discover it so I can shine 

So lost in a pool of frustration 

No longer is it just a situation

I'm tormented by temptation 

This confusion brings me to the floor

 I cant bear it anymore 

It's making my head so sore 

So ill lose myself while I write 

Let it heal me from this fight 

Because I will never choose to take flight

Honesty Is Powerful

I've made a stupid mistake 

While so much lies stake

 Afraid like I can't catch a break 

When it comes to pain, there's no need to fake

 I silently push my troubles under the table 

Much to face I pray I'm not rendered unable 

My minds so corrupt I'm beginning to feel unstable

 I Just remember no matter what I am always able

 To tie the knot at the end of that rope 

Climb up even if I lack hope 

So sadly I mustn't always oddly mope

 I'll take a look and see much more under the scope 

Things hidden well for me to find

 Feelings that may have been left behind

 Truth is I was beginning to go blind 

There's so much to learn from being kind

 When it comes to excuses have not 

This pain has already been brought 

And the ache that came with isn't forgot 

With that I will be sure to give honesty a shot

Giving Is Great

I'm setting out on a silent mission No longer is it a matter of your opinion Finding my way in every submission Time to start living less for tomorrow I need to work on shaking away my sorrow My happiness will be left for you to borrow Let it give you all you need Without it I may start to bleed But I know it was worth the deed No one has become poor from giving Time to learn how to start living Because in the end you never know who you are saving But feel good being happy with letting go Sometimes you don't have time to let happiness show We never will, but we all wish to know Mistakes are forever inevitable It's not all about being or feeling stable As long as in the end you know you are able To triumph, where others could not Take the chance and fill an empty slot Because serenity is found not bought