Behind The Scenes

      I realized that my poems would have more meaning and understanding if you knew me. Problem is most of you may never truly know me. I'd love to give you some insight about me though. For this post I will do my personal best to explain most complex part of me, my brain.

      To help you understand how my brain works, allow me to paint you this vivid picture. Imagine an immeasurable library, with a profound dedicated librarian. This librarian has his issues though, it may be better known as a Multiple Personality Disorder. A branch of him is a completely organized, ingenious, and creative man ALWAYS working to keep it going finding meaning in everything. Problem is he never rest, he lacks the ability to shut himself down. While another bit of him experiences genuine excitement as he tears through the books absorbing a plethora of knowledge. He refuses to put his books back though. His third part is this paranoid, anxious, passionate, and angry or depressed person, who without realization tears down books by the shelves. Last he has this very sweet, caring, philosophical, and meaningful personality. His mission is to keep other personalities from there extremes. He yearns for a deep sense of wisdom as he heavily reflects on every mistake. Yet he lacks confidence and often feels weaker then the rest, yet deep down it's his most dominant personality. There are more I would love to mention, but I will refrain, for they lack significance.

      Events, moments, emotions, or sensory memories are all somewhere in my mind. For now we're just going to call them books. Then I have places to put them, shelves, for when I wish to recollect them. The librarian I speak of is in fact my own mind. Yes, my mind has a Multiple Personality Disorder. Every personality plays a very important role in keeping my sanity. The "Organizer" is the part of my mind that helps me find my wisdom, and to solve my problems. Yet I always seem to have to many, and it can't rest until they're solved. The "Absorber" Is the part of my mind that gives me excitement, it seeks the thrill and instant knowledge. Somewhat careless he rarely has a dangerous impact on my mind, unless fed by my anger. When his impact is good, it's explosive and a serves a very valuable asset. The "Passionate One" is important to me, because it's where I draw my energy when I have something I'm passionate about it may also lead to anger, destruction and danger. The "Philosopher" almost always knows the right choice to make. Early on in life it found recognized an ability to observe and pause for very deep reflection. Through doing this I have been granted a rather admirable level of wisdom for my age. Problem is when it doesn't know EXACTLY what to do, it looks back to the organizer for help. While looking to the organizer it often becomes quickly over-powered. This is where the real problems within me begin to unfold.

      Let me start with things at best and show what my mind is capable of at the right moment. When an issue arises, I approach it in a calm, collected, wise manner. As it appears to me, I will organize, it decipher its significance, and it's impact on anything I can think of. If any amount of significance is noted I draw from my passion and find my drive to pursue a solution. My excitement allows me to quickly process all of this as I absorb it all for storing. Only then do observe all of these and what meaning they have on a philosophical and moral level. This grants me the ability I decide how to administer a reaction, through my wisdom.

      Now when my mind is given a problem I don't know well enough how to handle I have a less ideal reaction to situation. If I haven't made enough mistakes in a certain area this means my philosophical mind hasn't had enough to reflect and observe. This is why I say "well enough" it is important for me to make my own mistakes in life. When I do this, I know how to handle them in a much more ideal manner. This means when I reach the point of deciding a wise reaction, I tend to crumble. I go back and search through my organized memories, the shelved events that are similar to the one I'm in. When I don't have them for my wisdom to draw in, my passionate side takes over. Resulting in anger, or sadness usually, they become so over-powering they draw on my excitement. Combined with my excitement they become an unmatchable force, a force capable of leveling everything in its path.

      With the help of my minds philosophical personality I work endlessly to change that very hard through much deeper reflection initially upon a mistake. Instead of lashing out in anger or frustration I am focusing on remaining a calm more peaceful being. So I take all that energy that I would use to inflict harm, and project it into a deep meaningful piece of art. This gives me outstanding pleasure and peace. Not only am I learning to control my anger, but I cam creating something so powerful and passionate in the process. This is why I my poems my seem so depressing to those who don't know me. Know that they are making me a better person, and allowing me to release a cloud of doom that could consume me.