What Makes You Tick?

      I'll never forget the time I was once harmlessly asked "what makes you tick?".  I wasn't very old maybe 15, but the world just stopped still for a second. I as a person am in constant search for understanding, while most people simply ask "what?", I must ask "why".  I'm sure this put my parents through a lot of Hell, and I'm sure it still does.  When they asked me that and I couldn't answer I had to know why, why was I left speechless?

      So let's move on to how the question came about. My mom told me I wouldn't get my license unless I was getting all A's in my classes. Upon talking about it with my sister she told me "Mom, sure is taking the no license seriously if your grades aren't up."

      With the shrug of my shoulders replied "oh well".

      My sister looked at me almost baffled, and that was when she asked what made me tick. I can't believe how raveled I still am about a question as insignificant as that asked two years ago. So looking at that particular situation I didn't want to get good grades bad enough. If I didn't get my license it wouldn't have been much fun, but I could have lived without it if my parents wished to withhold it. So I guess you could say I make me tick, good grades meant putting in some effort in school. I had no desire to do that, and my license was nowhere near a heavy enough bribe.

      Still that question haunts me, it struck me so deep I think about it so often. Now I'm about to graduate and haven't applied to any colleges, and I have three job offers thanks to Building Trades. Still I have no clue, So I go back think profusely about that question. Maybe it will help me know find what I want to do. I know I just want to be happy, problem is a lot of things make me happy. Sadly I can only maintain that happiness for so long before I begin to get bored.

     I think endlessly about pursuing a career or education that could maintain my happiness. I WANT to do so many things, I can't pick just one. I just want to do all kinds of things whenever I want and make money, but how would that work out?

     I'm straying off subject here though, we know I make me tick, what what makes me tick?  I can't figure this out yet, and I really feel it itching away at my mind. If I don't want to do something, good luck getting me to. That's the kind of person I am, It doesn't mean I wont help someone in a heartbeat. I just can't let anyone tell me what I need to do. I defy and despise being controlled, thoroughly to my core. 

      This is really hard to explain, and probably boring most of you at this point. So let's put it like this, I know some of what makes me tick, but I've been searching for everything that makes me tick, and I'm lost. I know if I have a desire and remote ability to do something I WILL do it. If I have no desire, I'm not going to do it, I HAVE to have the desire.

      I know I want to be happy, and doing I like doing things that makes me happy, if it makes me remotely happy, then I will go do it no questions asked. Writing is a great example of that, I don't mind doing it when I'm asked because I do enjoy it. Happiness makes me tick.

       I can only do it if I have some sort of passion behind it, it doesn't take much but I need that. I hate my job, but I am passionate about who I work with, as in I like them, and I want to be good at it. So that's my drive but it doesn't make me happy.

       I'm still in search of what drives me, what pushes me. There's so much more than what I'm saying here. So much that I haven't found, but I know I can. Just until the day I do, I will never be at complete peace internally. Pretty killer thought to ponder all the time, yet I'm so glad. Because so many people don't realize what makes them tick, and never will. I just hope I'm not one of those people.