Ball and Chain

Growin' up I was never told to be a simple man

Or to be something I love and understand
It was always thought that I should have the upper hand

I just gotta learn what it is that compels me

I promise give me time, some day you'll see

Because its not just about the score on some SAT

I hope never feel like I did those days

But the sting of the pain I feel always

Day by day I'm searching for some of Lifes many joys

I don't want whats past, or what's ahead, I only want what is now

Let me make my mistakes and raise some hell for now

With ignorance and joys of immaturity I will howl

I cant wait for happiness to appear

Because never finding it is my biggest fear

I know you have so much to say, but its like I cant hear 

Eventually ill find a light in this clouded sky

Until then i can't let life pass me by

Maybe someday ill catch the breeze and fly

I just need my chance to be insane 

Maybe someday it will all be to my gain

I can't spend my life a prisoner of disdain

And the fact of the matter is my mind is at war

It's like with so much guidance I'm left here tore

Someday with age, and lack of knowledge my body will grow sore

Until then I'm asking for even more slack to the rope

I know it seems like I'll be left without a single hope

Thing is until then a part of me will always mope

Taking Flight

They call it self evaluation 

So refrain from your persuasion

Let me form my own reputation

For once happiness isn't perceived as fake

I ask you watch me make my mistake

Because it will always be mine to make

Where I'm headed I don't know

Just let me go and I'll try and take things slow

Let me learn to appreciate every blow

Give me time I know I can withstand

Because the truth is I understand 

You've already walked, where I stand

I'm holding the cards, let me play the game

I gotta learn to hold my head regardless of the shame

Let me laugh, move on and take the blame

It's not easy to for some to observe

I start to straighten up then I hit a curve

I'm sorry that it's striking your every nerve

All in good time I will grow more aware

Until then I'm sure I'll be reason of some scare

But don't toss me in this interrogation chair

People will forever be in need of space

You don't always need to take chase

Let me finish last in a race

Because it's my race to complete

To me the feeling of winning is obsolete

Right now I have no wish to compete

I'm gonna trip, hurt myself and fall

When It's over I'll have been through it all

Maybe then I will be able to stand up tall

The thing is, to me making mistakes is important

Until I've made them on my own, expect I'll be insubordinate 

This is one thing I wish to coordinate 

Perceptual Imbalance

It goes like this, one, two, three, four

Scary thoughts knocking on my door

I'm at a loss, searching for more

Given an unknown dream that feels out of place

I'm standing still while the world partakes in this race

In the opposite direction my heart will take chase

 

At times I feel so empty in my thoughts and hopes

With displeasure and misguidance my mind mopes

I feel a shove as I take to the tight ropes

My mind takes refuge in this undiscovered atmosphere

Echoes distort what is here, what is there, and these thoughts I hear

There is no comfort from this ever so foreign fear

 

Painfuly I feel my mind begin to retract from my soul

Misery is sinking in, I'm second guessing every goal

Reality has struck and the world is taking it's toll

I've gone to fast on this road and broken down

Try as I might I can't wish away this everlasting frown

In thes abstract tears I begin to drown

 

By night the day and my thoughts grow so cold

The chill of the night forces these walls to fold

I stand here stranded for my courage is no longer so bold

These demons appear from where the hide

I'm stuck here alone searching for some sort of guide

Then it occurs that; by my writing my mind will abide

 

 

 

Memories in The Making

      Fortunately for some of my readers my post isn't me rambling on, or anything crazy of the sort, instead; about some of my recent experiences. Tuesday afternoon I arrived at the airport and made my first flight alone to visit my sister out west for a few days before I started my career (It's so fun calling it that). I arrived at my destination as I phoned my sister with the remaining 3% phone battery I had, at which she responded "Shit, your early!". I kind of chuckled, no worries, I needed time to navigate to the pick up section of the airport anyhow. However my phone did die before she arrived, luckily we were on the same page as to where I was to be picked up.

      Upon arrival I got to stop at daycare and enter with my sister to pick up my little nephew, my oh my how he is changing from a "Little Baby" to toddler. I immediately began having a ball with the little man and ended up keeping him wide eyed two hours past bedtime, my apologies to daycare. We sat around and enjoyed the evening talked, caught up, and all departed to our beds before too long.

     As the result of a little bit of a diaper blowout i was able to catch some very entertaining pictures of the guy in the tub.

     The next few days were pretty relaxed, got to sit around, watch some new good movies, and catch up with my family. Then Friday morning I helped my brother close on his house, and we immediately began with some renovations, and spent the rest of the afternoon tearing it up, and having a good time. We came back early ate dinner with my sister's family, then relaxed at his current home for a bit while we watched none other than "Super Troopers". 

     Oddly enough I rolled out of bed at 6:50 me and my brother quickly departed the house with a truckload of old carpet and rolled to the dump. We stopped at a local diner and picked up some delicious, unhealthy, greasy breakfast with coffee. Next stop we met my sister and her family for a nice trip to Rocky Mountain National Park. We drove a really nice route along some breathtakingly steep drops, sharp turns, and beautiful sights. Hanging out the window with my giant camera taking awesome pictures a long the way, I had a fantastic time. Unfortunately this trip meant the death of my two year old, incredibly dirty, comfortable, broken in, favorite hat as it flew off in my attempt to take a picture (I may not be over this for a while). Below are some of the beautiful mountain pictures I was able to capture.

    Although all of this was an absolutely great time, the best part of this little trip, was just short of our departure from the park. On our way out, we came a across a moose, not just a single one though, three in fact. We were able to witness a mother working tireless to keep between a bull moose and her young calf who couldn't have been but three feet tall. I was able to get within probably 20 yards away just standing beside the vehicle while I, along with endless amounts of tourists, was capturing photos of the beautiful sight to be had. It was probably a once in a lifetime sight and I was very fortunate to experience it, and share the awesome moment with my family.

 Note that the bull moose appeared to have what appears to be a massive scar on his left shoulder.

Commencement Speech

Just a commencement speech I wrote for English class:

Hello, my name is Trent Sudhoff, and I’m your nominated commencement speaker for the 2013 graduating class of Garrett High School and I would like to thank the teachers, staff, and administration for the excellent high school experience they provided

“Education is not preparation for life, it is life itself” The wise words of John Dewey

 I observe nieces and nephews as they grow older, Interview for a career, prepare for graduation, reminisce about worry free days of innocence, and ponder where life has brought me. Then it hits me just how fast life really goes. Today I stand here with 160 other graduated adults, 18 years of age, and starting careers, or pursing further education. Our care free summers have come to and end, no more late nights with failed hopes of dozing in class, finishing homework at 2 A.M. because we procrastinated all weekend and had fun instead, these will all have become distant memories for us. Life has truly begun for us.
Ten years ago, I dreamt that by this time I would be doing something outstanding in life. Standing in front of you today, as I feel a bit of resentment, I have to laugh at the thought. We all can still dream of our unfulfilled goals, but the truth is reality has set in. We’re stuck between a rock and a hard place now. We may choose to go down a path many have chosen with stability, assurance, and simplicity. Or we may pave our own path that could lead through some discomfort, instability, hard times, and maybe eventually FULFILLMENT.
 Today, as we prepare to set out into the world, we have very little, very little to lose, but so much to gain in life. I tell you this because every one of us could change the world, we must pursue our dreams though. Ten years from now, you will have an education, career and family, and because of fear, may never have the chance to achieve a dream. Start today, because life isn’t going to slow down for you, if you want to change the world and pursue a dream you must start now. Before it’s too late and there’s too much to lose, pursue while the pursuit is good. Do what you care about in life, find that drive, you will change the world, and much love and happiness will come.

Regrets could come for dreams aren’t easy to fulfill when you are reaching for the stars. Some dreams may be smaller than others, but all the same do your best to fulfill them. The people that find there passion, there drive, those are the people that change the world. When your old sitting in a rocking chair at the local retirement home and looking back on life. Would you rather regret the food you ate that didn’t agree with you while traveling over seas, saving lives, studying abroad, or doing research, or would you rather regret the path you chose in life? I’m not sure about you, but to me the bad food sounds like it makes for a much more humorous story. However the choice is yours to make, may you choose wisely.

Word For Thought

     Anyone who has read much of my blog, well it wouldn't take them long to notice, all I really wanna do is just have an impact on a few people's lives when mines over. Well a couple of months back a few things made me realize just what it means to do that, and I never even realized I had done it. I've learned to appreciate who I've got and the strength of mind and family I have been blessed with.

     I randomly started talking to an acquaintance of mine one day, and we kept our conversation pretty simple at first. We kind of talked about a previous relationship and a person formerly known as my best friend. Then something happened with them and when I expressed my concern they began to just kind of open up to me. Treading lightly at first and soon enough telling me more than they had every told anyone (according to them). I just talked with them about some things for a few hours and did my best to help them with any issue I thought I could.

     We just kept kind of periodically talking and I would help them with anyone issues I could and sneak in my advice. Some time had passed since we had talked and one night I made a tweet stating that if I just had altered one person's life in a positive way before I had died my life would have been a success. Soon enough I got a message from anonymous stating that I had helped them more than anyone in the world ever had. They informed me that before we started talking they had cut themselves as a way to bypass the pain of their emotions. Just hearing this made me so humble and appreciate what I have and who I have in my life.

      After hearing this I told them how much that really meant to me, and how that was the best thanks I had ever gotten and how it meant more to me than anything ever had. So a couple weeks went by and I hadn't talked to them much, I got caught up in life(So I thought). Well upon talking to them they had informed me they had cut themselves again, I felt like I failed them and let them down. Then some things hit me, I wasn't caught up in life. I was caught up in ME, and making me happier than need be so. Life isn't making money, becoming famous, or going far. Life's helping those that matter, and those that need it a long the way. When you leave this world those are the people standing over you with a tear in there eye, because you had done so much more for them than most people will ever know.

     I see this person and they are a kind, passionate, observant, intelligent, wise, gentle, and humble being and I couldn't understand what had led them to do such a thing. Then after talking some more with them I realized it was just the loneliness of being an outcast, not an outcast for any reason but by choice. Honestly I can relate to the feeling. Some people are outcast because they just don't fit, and my heart goes out to them, because they are stronger than most people I know. Me and anonymous though, we've chosen to be a sort of outcast. It's hard when you don't have a desire to be the same as anyone else, to dress the same, act the same, and just be a clone. Not many people understand that, and those that do are so few and far apart it's get's a little lonely.

     Opening up about how different you really are is easier said then done, four years ago I made up my mind I wasn't going to be another duplicate. Now I'm really just coming to terms with the decision, It's the best one I've ever made in my life. I'm social, I like to have fun, I'm not shy, I joke around, I talk to everyone, and choosing to be different was the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't imagine not doing it without those traits, but here I see this amazing person doing it, and they struggling so hard. How can I help them though? I just don't know, I want to do so much more yet here I am, with so little to offer. It just kills me watching someone who just doesn't know what to do anymore.

     So anyhow a couple more weeks go by and another younger acquaintance I had known who had tried to commit suicide a couple weeks back, had messaged me wanting to talk. Just hearing what she had to say and doing my best to help made me realize how similar these people really were. Upon doing my best to help them, they also informed me of their gratitude for my words. First off I want to thank both of these people for making me realize so much, and for letting me help them. Having a positive impact on someones life through my words, is honestly the greatest feeling I've ever known.

     Advice to anyone who is reading this and feels likes life throwing all it's got at you. Well before it get's better it's going to get worse. Remember this though (Even though I'm not religious) God gives his toughest assignment to his strongest pawns. I know what it's like to feel like you have no one to talk to, but there is always someone there for you, and at the very least there is always me. When you want to give up on someone, something, or everything thing, don't, things will get better. I can't tell you how many late nights I've spent listening to music as loud as I could, writing, thinking and hating myself for reasons I didn't know. It got me know where, but closer to the bottom of the barrel. Move on from the past, because if you live life looking through the rearview mirror, you'll miss what lies ahead. Live in the present, live for the moment. Don't be afraid to leave people in your life behind, people change, relationships fall apart, it a part of life. Don't be blinded by how good something once was, because it will make you miserable. Do you best to fix it, if your best doesn't work stop right there, because something isn't right. Try and keep it on good terms, and step away.

      Getting through times of painful self-evaluation, and philosophical thoughts about your life isn't always easy. However, there are many things that can make it easier for you, unfortunately you must find these on your own. For me it was always writing and woodworking while I listened to my favorite music. For you it could be anything, but make sure at the end of everyday you have time for you and to do what you enjoy most, that's a must for a blissful life, never forget that. Last slow down, take your time, who cares if you don't have that much money in your pocket, or if you sat on the couch all weekend. There's plenty of time for working and making money, and not enough time in this world for some peace. Life's got something good for you, you just have to believe that eventually you'll make it to where you wanna be.

Allow Me To Explain

     Almost every person who reads my blog loves to inform me just how sad it is, yes, I'm aware of this. Let me inform you, your looking at it all wrong though. I'm here to organize thoughts, pain, happiness, and life in a way that matters. I relieve myself of my happiness everyday, It's easy. How can someone just relieve sadness all the time though? I mean you can, but no one wants to be around you. So I write it out, rid myself of my troubles, and I get to do creatively.

      If your really pay attention to every poem posted, this is really hard to notice, but I enlighten myself to just how capable I am of moving on in life. It starts out sad, but if you can catch it ends with a sort of (In the words of Homer Simpson) epiphany. If I force myself to write about how bad it sucks, I can force myself to think about how many more important things there in life. It's messed up, I know, shit maybe I don't even understand it. Okay I don't, but think about it, and if you can figure it out, well get back to me. Until then sleep sounds good, Deuces.

Hakuna Matata

The past has long ago departed 

Still a distant memory never fails to get me started

Sitting here still feeling a little broken hearted

Scars concealed by the kindest smile

Yet those wonder why it's hard to talk a while

Living with fear a smile will turn vile

Sometimes I don't feel a thing everything becomes distant

Other times with out notice I'm hit hard in an instant

All I ask is the pain play consistent 

Because I hear your name

Sometimes it consumes me with a cloud of shame

No longer is my mindset tame

Don't play the fool to a calm persona

Because what I really feel will never cease to fool ya

Honestly I live on the edge of a pool of lava

So I jot down a miserable piece consisting another sad word

Realize I'm only removing them from me as I move forward

May I eventually move away from these thoughts so wayward

Celestial Courage

Revealed best at the dead of night

I walk outside consumed by a full moons light

Proving to me not only the sun must shine so bright

When I feel all alone at the days end

I allow my heart to begin to slowly descend

I catch light of the moon my closest friend

Soon I begin to remember the past so obsolete

Memories left behind torn and incomplete 

I sit divided, while heart and mind compete

Alone I stand a soul created for solitude

Made to move the earth with an utter magnitude

While what is within remains its only feud

 My only controversy that is purely domestic

None will ever understand why I remain skeptic

Everything visceral becomes completely hectic

With happiness and chaos may I sit and wonder

I choose to act as individual on these thoughts I ponder

Because it is my happiness that lies yonder 

        Here's another boring post for my few readers to scavenge on! I'm just laying here, restless getting absorbed into another deep thought about where life's about to take me, nine more weeks and I'm graduated! Well as I'm sure you all know I have been anticipating graduation and where I will be going for a long time now. Still; I have hardly any clue, I'm not that worried though.

        I'm breaking it down, and smiling at what I got, because that's what I'll use. I've got motivation, I'm innovative, strong willed, driven, and I live by my morals. As far as I can tell, those characteristics are enough to set me up with something eventually. College, maybe soon, maybe never. Why cross a bridge I'm not ready to? Why worry? I know eventually I'll make it somewhere, until then, I'm gonna let life take me on a little ride.

       The thing is, I have no reason to feel rushed or pressured about choosing something that will set me up for the next forty years. I'll get somewhere I can bare to be, and maybe life will let me stumble my way to where I wanna be. I know when I find it I'm gonna shine, because when there's a little passion behind me, well step out of the way or you'll get run over. That's a fact - ask my family.

       

Pain Serves As A Heavy Burden

In a world were there's nowhere left to belong

My mind doesn't understand the right from wrong

The words feel empty inside this broken song

Because by night my train of thought grows so long

The struggle starts as my mind begins to shift back

I'm looking down as I fall through this crack

Reaching at the rope pulling only catching more slack

My grip breaks away like a worn out tack

Fighting for a breath of air, I was victim to no lust

Instead I lay here broken, a victim to unjust

I alone lie as keeper to my trust

Surrounded by parasites tearing away at me like rust

Every feeling hardened by lonesome character

Through it all may my soul resist to tear

I'll take the weight and throw it upon my shoulders to bear

As I reverse it's intensity and it carries me through the air

Define Me

By heart, A writer

Known to some a lover

By fewer yet, a fighter

Words used to make the bad, right

Some captured by my loves might

While anger confuses wrong from right

Rips sewn to hold me tighter
Hate consumes me as a cover
I move to fist only slighter
Words come to me as natural as sight
With passion may my rage ignite
Fighting only when I have no light

This hate urges on like a freight train

Riding shotgun to my thoughts is the pain

Brought on by your dishonest action

Realize now that for every action is a reaction

A reaction of biblical proportions stirs inside

Emotions breaking through, no longer will they hide

You will remain made an example from this affliction

Who you said you were and what you've done, a contradiction

No longer will I stand by so indolently

I can only wish your life become a true melancholy 

Misfortune casted on me by you, won't go without reprisal

Your memory will no longer live on as an idol

What Would It Be Like?

       Ever felt so curious about what it would be like to die? Ever experienced a moment with the most perplexed curiosity about life and death. I know I have, not during the moments I was sad or angry, instead when life was good, and I was happy. I never once considered doing anything, just thought about what it would feel like, where I would go.
       I was born with an incredibly open mind regarding life, and the afterlife, in general.  I only think about it when my life is where I want it to be, because if I do go, that's how I wanna go. I'm a happy person with "dull" periods in my life. Periods where it's not as easy getting out of bed. I'm regarded as a very happy-go-lucky person, I can't think about it when others have a different outlook on me.
      How could I imagine leaving when, I'm not really at a good point in life? You never know what could happen, or when the decision has been made about your departure. Be prepared, make sure at any moment your at peace with your mistakes and the world around you.
      I love to think the afterlife when I'm happy because it's so fascinating, I'm always living a few steps ahead of myself. It's never to soon to think about it. My curiosity can't resist, am I reincarnated? Do I just die? Will I go to heaven?
      Not sure why, but death has always seemed to spark some sort of philosophical curiosity inside me. I've always found it entertaining to think about, have you?

When I die

       How do you wanna be remembered when you die?

       Everyone feels the need to bolt around in an attempt to satisfy people who don't really matter to them. Wether it's a boss, colleague, neighbor or even a "friend", if your have to work THAT hard they don't matter. Don't deny the fact that you do it, EVERYONE does, myself included.

      You can never cut that desire out of your life completely, society has shoved it down our throats, and everyone just seems to "accept" it so lazily. I'm not here to tell you its horrible that you could ever accept things you don't agree with, I'm here to say sometimes it's okay to resist, or question them.

       I hear people who say they don't care what people think, but they do, or else they wouldn't have any secrets courageously protected.  Now that I've stated that, I want to move on the question I asked at the beginning of this post. When you leave the world are you gonna be another duplicate caught up in societies threshold?

      If you answered no, then make a change, don't just change the things you do or why you do them. You have to change your whole outlook on life and it's meaning to YOU. Who cares what it means to anyone else but you, because it's your life and you should feel free to live it how you want. Because the people that can do that, those people, those are the people that are remembered. 

      I say that casually but there is much more meaning behind it. When I say life's meaning to you, that doesn't mean disregard others outlook. It means you hold yours at the absolute highest regard, and learn from how they live. Think about how they live, question it and how making similar decisions in your life may alter your it.

      If you don't like what your hearing right now, feel free to scroll to the top left of the screen and press the exit button. I'm not here to please you, or anyone else for that matter. Don't like what I hear? Good, maybe I'm pushing that little button, society overlooks, that is a satisfying feeling I must say. Maybe, it means I'm moving you and telling you something you just don't wanna accept. I'm only here to attempt inspire my audience, even if it's only person. 

       Don't wait to make the change, because before you realize it's to late. You have too much to lose, if you step to far out on that limb and it breaks you have nothing. So instead of making the change when you have something, make it when you have nothing. If you already have something, then make it before you have more to lose.

       For example, look at where I stand in life, seventeen halfway through my senior year of high school. Now, I could go to college, get a business degree, and work in an office making money. Life is just around the corner for me, so much lies in store. Problem is I live in little Small Town, USA, now how could I know what I truly want to do, when I have seen so little of the world? 

       How can I make a decision that will alter the rest of my life, when I don't even know what's out there for me? I cannot not do that, because I know if I do, I will never be at peace as I wonder, What could have been? So I'm going to go and take a chance with my life, I'm not going to pursue anything but happiness, unlike so much of this world.

      I'm going to do my best to stand out and inspire, yes I will do things that make me unhappy, it's part of life, it's healthy. Why is it healthy? I get to learn, learn what I don't like, for the future. I could go to college immediately following school, but I won't. Instead I'm gonna go out on the limb, and learn about the world around me.

      I have so much in mind, but I have nowhere near enough experience to decide if those are right for me. How could I? I'm seventeen, I don't know where I want to be in 10 years, or what will satisfy me. Everyone is in search for instant gratification, so they find it through, money, prestige, and education. Not that bliss impossible to find earlier on, I just feel so many people overlook it.

       Real gratification lies in passion, and happiness, are you passionate about what you do? Do you really enjoy your job or career? That's something I need in my life, and I think everyone deserves. So I will wait to make the choice that sets me up for the rest of my life.

       All I'm asking is do something that truly makes you happy, NOTHING is impossible. Aspire to make an art out of what you love, well if you suck, maybe it's not the right choice. You ned talent and  to enjoy it, find that happy median and you're good. 

       Not every person will find absolute gratification from there job,  but so many people can come so much closer. It absolutely kills me inside to see someone so discontent with their career. It's been forged in our brain that money holds higher value than happiness, I feel discomforted just thinking about it.

      I'm not saying I'll be the guy who jumps with indefinite joy getting up for work, but I can't have a career that makes me unhappy. I must work at something I enjoy, and am passionate about. That's how you make a difference, just allow your passion to be the absolute drive behind you.
       You could be the most richest man in the world, but if there is no passion behind your motives you won't be remembered. At least not how you wish to be remembered. You never know what could happen, just make sure your ready to leave this world at any moment. Be at peace with mistakes, and use them to help yourself and others.
      That's how you get remembered, I'll never be famous, but if just one person remembers some inspiring words I may have shared with them. Well, I couldn't imagine any better way to be remembered. That's how I want to be remember, it puts my body at peace to think about it.
       Do you do enough to bring you to peace? It could be whatever you please, because if you work hard enough at it and aspire to become something, you get far. Nothing is impossible, just find the passion inside of you.

       

   

Meaning Behind My Words

I’m beginning to apply myself as I venture out into this world alone

I plead my soul persist on this pursuit of a serene reaction

When clouded by emotions my mind struggles to condone

Only after my introspection has settled may I choose to take action

Searching endlessly for the avenue of this world, that remains unknown

May my weaknesses guide me, and provide my sanity unfathomable traction

In life troubles will always exist, their abundance, often unable comprehend

My essence fortunate, for this alone resides my isolated strife

To these troubles will my thoughts depart and perpetually extend

This concept will preserver, hard to grasp, my mind molded increasingly fife

For it strengthens my internal compass until my wit falls to its end

Bittersweet to ponder at times, imagine being sculpted by a dull knife

I choose to take record of the moment; I don’t feel it essential to retain

They say don’t make the same mistake twice, duly noted is every feeling

These words here for reference, I need not to relive the pain

With every article may I continue, I’m evolving into a blissful being

In every submission I know I will be able to find a gain

For when I am lost they lay my problems out entirely for viewing

Keeping Myself At Bay

By a heavy heart and tireless mind, may I always abide

Emotions can trigger an explosive reaction within

A raging fire consuming all that lies available

Fed by a substantial anger remaining so profound

I'm at a constant battle to stay placid and move in stride

Happiness and hope show me to raise my chin

They overcome me and I'm granted a feeling that is stable

Boldly peace yells out making the most joyous sound

I have a gifted ability to recall upon the good
When time begins to slow I am able to observe
My surrounding drawn in and accurately noted
The truth I never wish to distort
Constantly I try to reenact things like I should
I search to find what lays hidden in reserve
With my thoughts I become so bloated
With my poems my scary thoughts depart and I find comfort

What Makes You Tick?

      I'll never forget the time I was once harmlessly asked "what makes you tick?".  I wasn't very old maybe 15, but the world just stopped still for a second. I as a person am in constant search for understanding, while most people simply ask "what?", I must ask "why".  I'm sure this put my parents through a lot of Hell, and I'm sure it still does.  When they asked me that and I couldn't answer I had to know why, why was I left speechless?

      So let's move on to how the question came about. My mom told me I wouldn't get my license unless I was getting all A's in my classes. Upon talking about it with my sister she told me "Mom, sure is taking the no license seriously if your grades aren't up."

      With the shrug of my shoulders replied "oh well".

      My sister looked at me almost baffled, and that was when she asked what made me tick. I can't believe how raveled I still am about a question as insignificant as that asked two years ago. So looking at that particular situation I didn't want to get good grades bad enough. If I didn't get my license it wouldn't have been much fun, but I could have lived without it if my parents wished to withhold it. So I guess you could say I make me tick, good grades meant putting in some effort in school. I had no desire to do that, and my license was nowhere near a heavy enough bribe.

      Still that question haunts me, it struck me so deep I think about it so often. Now I'm about to graduate and haven't applied to any colleges, and I have three job offers thanks to Building Trades. Still I have no clue, So I go back think profusely about that question. Maybe it will help me know find what I want to do. I know I just want to be happy, problem is a lot of things make me happy. Sadly I can only maintain that happiness for so long before I begin to get bored.

     I think endlessly about pursuing a career or education that could maintain my happiness. I WANT to do so many things, I can't pick just one. I just want to do all kinds of things whenever I want and make money, but how would that work out?

     I'm straying off subject here though, we know I make me tick, what what makes me tick?  I can't figure this out yet, and I really feel it itching away at my mind. If I don't want to do something, good luck getting me to. That's the kind of person I am, It doesn't mean I wont help someone in a heartbeat. I just can't let anyone tell me what I need to do. I defy and despise being controlled, thoroughly to my core. 

      This is really hard to explain, and probably boring most of you at this point. So let's put it like this, I know some of what makes me tick, but I've been searching for everything that makes me tick, and I'm lost. I know if I have a desire and remote ability to do something I WILL do it. If I have no desire, I'm not going to do it, I HAVE to have the desire.

      I know I want to be happy, and doing I like doing things that makes me happy, if it makes me remotely happy, then I will go do it no questions asked. Writing is a great example of that, I don't mind doing it when I'm asked because I do enjoy it. Happiness makes me tick.

       I can only do it if I have some sort of passion behind it, it doesn't take much but I need that. I hate my job, but I am passionate about who I work with, as in I like them, and I want to be good at it. So that's my drive but it doesn't make me happy.

       I'm still in search of what drives me, what pushes me. There's so much more than what I'm saying here. So much that I haven't found, but I know I can. Just until the day I do, I will never be at complete peace internally. Pretty killer thought to ponder all the time, yet I'm so glad. Because so many people don't realize what makes them tick, and never will. I just hope I'm not one of those people.

      

Behind The Scenes

      I realized that my poems would have more meaning and understanding if you knew me. Problem is most of you may never truly know me. I'd love to give you some insight about me though. For this post I will do my personal best to explain most complex part of me, my brain.

      To help you understand how my brain works, allow me to paint you this vivid picture. Imagine an immeasurable library, with a profound dedicated librarian. This librarian has his issues though, it may be better known as a Multiple Personality Disorder. A branch of him is a completely organized, ingenious, and creative man ALWAYS working to keep it going finding meaning in everything. Problem is he never rest, he lacks the ability to shut himself down. While another bit of him experiences genuine excitement as he tears through the books absorbing a plethora of knowledge. He refuses to put his books back though. His third part is this paranoid, anxious, passionate, and angry or depressed person, who without realization tears down books by the shelves. Last he has this very sweet, caring, philosophical, and meaningful personality. His mission is to keep other personalities from there extremes. He yearns for a deep sense of wisdom as he heavily reflects on every mistake. Yet he lacks confidence and often feels weaker then the rest, yet deep down it's his most dominant personality. There are more I would love to mention, but I will refrain, for they lack significance.

      Events, moments, emotions, or sensory memories are all somewhere in my mind. For now we're just going to call them books. Then I have places to put them, shelves, for when I wish to recollect them. The librarian I speak of is in fact my own mind. Yes, my mind has a Multiple Personality Disorder. Every personality plays a very important role in keeping my sanity. The "Organizer" is the part of my mind that helps me find my wisdom, and to solve my problems. Yet I always seem to have to many, and it can't rest until they're solved. The "Absorber" Is the part of my mind that gives me excitement, it seeks the thrill and instant knowledge. Somewhat careless he rarely has a dangerous impact on my mind, unless fed by my anger. When his impact is good, it's explosive and a serves a very valuable asset. The "Passionate One" is important to me, because it's where I draw my energy when I have something I'm passionate about it may also lead to anger, destruction and danger. The "Philosopher" almost always knows the right choice to make. Early on in life it found recognized an ability to observe and pause for very deep reflection. Through doing this I have been granted a rather admirable level of wisdom for my age. Problem is when it doesn't know EXACTLY what to do, it looks back to the organizer for help. While looking to the organizer it often becomes quickly over-powered. This is where the real problems within me begin to unfold.

      Let me start with things at best and show what my mind is capable of at the right moment. When an issue arises, I approach it in a calm, collected, wise manner. As it appears to me, I will organize, it decipher its significance, and it's impact on anything I can think of. If any amount of significance is noted I draw from my passion and find my drive to pursue a solution. My excitement allows me to quickly process all of this as I absorb it all for storing. Only then do observe all of these and what meaning they have on a philosophical and moral level. This grants me the ability I decide how to administer a reaction, through my wisdom.

      Now when my mind is given a problem I don't know well enough how to handle I have a less ideal reaction to situation. If I haven't made enough mistakes in a certain area this means my philosophical mind hasn't had enough to reflect and observe. This is why I say "well enough" it is important for me to make my own mistakes in life. When I do this, I know how to handle them in a much more ideal manner. This means when I reach the point of deciding a wise reaction, I tend to crumble. I go back and search through my organized memories, the shelved events that are similar to the one I'm in. When I don't have them for my wisdom to draw in, my passionate side takes over. Resulting in anger, or sadness usually, they become so over-powering they draw on my excitement. Combined with my excitement they become an unmatchable force, a force capable of leveling everything in its path.

      With the help of my minds philosophical personality I work endlessly to change that very hard through much deeper reflection initially upon a mistake. Instead of lashing out in anger or frustration I am focusing on remaining a calm more peaceful being. So I take all that energy that I would use to inflict harm, and project it into a deep meaningful piece of art. This gives me outstanding pleasure and peace. Not only am I learning to control my anger, but I cam creating something so powerful and passionate in the process. This is why I my poems my seem so depressing to those who don't know me. Know that they are making me a better person, and allowing me to release a cloud of doom that could consume me.

Making Changes

Basically my blog is getting a make-over and a few things are going to change about it. I will be writing a little differently, most of readers may not even notice. Not ALL of my submissions will be poems anymore. I LOVE getting readers on my blog, and my poems may not be for certain types. Poems or a regular post are completely different to digest, and I want anyone to feel welcome on here. I'm really trying to make some improvements on my writing. With that being said. feel free to offer your advice, or criticism. Even if it's simply a grammar error, I would be more than happy to be made aware. Thanks for reading my blog, and I hope you enjoy the adjustments! Give me feedback on your opinion of my work, Good OR bad :).

Insight On My Mind

I sit here and comprehend life all from within 

Speculate on how my life is shaped by every sin

 Managing to stay together as I hold so much in 

To no one will these thoughts ever be kin

 In the eyes of others I appear external 

They could not even ponder what is internal 

Only I know about this mind of mine that is an infernal 

Silently I remain here, this unpopped kernel 

 At times on the verge of explosion Somehow

 I always resist that bit of erosion 

Yet I'm constantly altered by corrosion

 Held together by the strangest fusion 

The thoughts indicated are not my bane 

I am thankful because they guide me through pain 

So I will abide and allow them to cut my chain 

As they push me to find every last bit of gain 

In times of frustration I only wish to be kind 

While I curse this elegantly hidden corner of my mind

 Because with anger I can be boldly headlined 

Then I realize there is so much more to be aligned

 My mind is not the problem, I need not let my anger lead 

With all this understanding still remains an unplanted seed

 At times my anger controls me as I attempt to bleed

 I realize that with my mind I must plead 

So I request it help me find a better way 

Lost, I petition for a solution day after day 

With this burden I embark only to feel I've been led astray 

Then the black and white begin to fade, and I spot the gray 

Beginning I am lost, But with every article I am found 

These words give the music of my mind it's sound 

They show me it's meaning and lift me from the ground 

No longer by anger do I deem myself bound 

Because of these words duly noted, I am liberated 

So much misunderstanding becomes completely abated 

These emotions are now adequately plated 

Weight is lifted because of what I have stated

 Your apprehension of these words means nothing 

 Because to me these words means everything 

As my mind grows peaceful, with the joy I could sing 

 So continue as you wear yourself out trouncing 

I am in a devout pursuit of everlasting bliss 

Everything lies within for us to miss 

Still we send it away with a powerful hiss 

As we go on living our lives with so much remiss 

Covertly I will organize myself on an old notepad 

Because life is not just about the path of good or bad 

The more I understand this I am so glad 

All I want is a path that wont leave me sad 

There will be no wrong one, so don't pretend to know 

With that I have no reason to let it show Someday 

I will reach the point where I can glow 

Where these thoughts of contentment I won't have to sow

To Much To Reflect

I feel as if I'm a fallen star

Left in it's place is a nasty scar

That anyone can sight from afar

 The scar serves as a scary reminder

I see it and want to be kinder

Yet with every passing moment I feel blinder

Lack of justification may stupidity take it's place

I'm dead last at a stand-still in this race

Missing a part of my moral base

I alone should stress over my mistake

For everything I touch seems to break

So allow me find what's mine to take

I wish to take my own stand

All I ask for is the touch of your hand

We're just duplicates made so bland

These errors of mine give me my flavor

Maybe I do need to address my behavior

But let me address it, you're doing me a favor

I wish to learn at my own regulation

Don't make me abide by your hesitation

It will only feed my aggravation

This anger will slowly starve and die

At times it takes all I have to keep it shy

Just let me turn away with a burdened sigh

The trail I'll choose won't truly be a trail

I know I can carve my own as long as my thoughts don't go stale

With a silent but powerful thought I will take sail

It won't be easy to strive through every blow

When I have reached its end only I will know

If carved right to the world I may let it show

A Moment To Remember

Without the instant realization 

I become calm and absorb the situation 

My mind slowly feels no pain 

I have no problem finding gain 

Feeling temporarily serene 

There is so much more to be seen 

Lost in the strangest world 

No longer am I so twirled I send out a thankful thought 

To a feeling that's forever sought 

Always just escaping my grip 

I can only find it when things flip 

Your problems come to me 

While mine are there for you to see 

Then I suddenly take a look 

It's duly noted in a empty book 

Forever there it will remind 

There is much in store for find

I Envy Perfection

In these words may I confide 

My troubles I wish to hide 

Because by my morals I abide 

My emotions rarely spoken 

When they are I'm left broken 

This evil within in me is woken 

Simple words become art 

I begin to analyze every part

 Beginning  to feel so far apart

Everyone seems to know me 

But that much even I can't see

 I become a lonely melancholy 

Feeling lost I start to get mad 

Every song feels so sad 

I feel like everything goes bad

 But I know my life is good 

It all doesn't go like it should 

Problem is I feel it could

 I want to draw that line 

The line between bad and fine 

I need to discover it so I can shine 

So lost in a pool of frustration 

No longer is it just a situation

I'm tormented by temptation 

This confusion brings me to the floor

 I cant bear it anymore 

It's making my head so sore 

So ill lose myself while I write 

Let it heal me from this fight 

Because I will never choose to take flight

Honesty Is Powerful

I've made a stupid mistake 

While so much lies stake

 Afraid like I can't catch a break 

When it comes to pain, there's no need to fake

 I silently push my troubles under the table 

Much to face I pray I'm not rendered unable 

My minds so corrupt I'm beginning to feel unstable

 I Just remember no matter what I am always able

 To tie the knot at the end of that rope 

Climb up even if I lack hope 

So sadly I mustn't always oddly mope

 I'll take a look and see much more under the scope 

Things hidden well for me to find

 Feelings that may have been left behind

 Truth is I was beginning to go blind 

There's so much to learn from being kind

 When it comes to excuses have not 

This pain has already been brought 

And the ache that came with isn't forgot 

With that I will be sure to give honesty a shot

Giving Is Great

I'm setting out on a silent mission No longer is it a matter of your opinion Finding my way in every submission Time to start living less for tomorrow I need to work on shaking away my sorrow My happiness will be left for you to borrow Let it give you all you need Without it I may start to bleed But I know it was worth the deed No one has become poor from giving Time to learn how to start living Because in the end you never know who you are saving But feel good being happy with letting go Sometimes you don't have time to let happiness show We never will, but we all wish to know Mistakes are forever inevitable It's not all about being or feeling stable As long as in the end you know you are able To triumph, where others could not Take the chance and fill an empty slot Because serenity is found not bought